Jude

Hey Jude, don't make it bad...
      Jude walked down the street to where he knew he could have a good time. He had his Ipod's volume at full blast to drown out the world around him. At this moment he was annoyed and wanted a release. This release came to Jude by way of drugs and alcohol. He never had an acquired taste for these things. He just had a life he so desperately wanted to acquire, and this was the only way he believed could get him there.
"Password?"
"Seriously?" Jude said annoyed as he took off his headphones.

       The door shut on his face. He knocked again. The door opened slightly again against the chain lock.
"Ron Howard. Fuck."
"Fuck is not part of the password."
"Just open the damn door, Larry!"
      Larry opened the door. He was a fat guy all decked out in Miami Heat clothing. "It's been awhile, Jude." Jude noticed the lights were dimmed all across the house. Always with the dim lights. Jude never got used to his dealers house. Calvin and Mickey Hill were rich and had their own place thanks to their wealthy parents, although Jude figured they could afford it themselves by now due to the many hobbies they were involved in.
"I suppose a week is awhile. Where's Cal?"
Larry pointed upstairs. Jude made his way up the stairs.
"I'd be more careful, Jude. Mickey isn't too happy with you."
No shit, Sherlock. 
"I know how to handle a storm. And by the way, Heat sucks." 
_____________________
A ten year old Jude pounded at the bathroom door. His mother was inside crying and he could not understand why. Pound after pound he lost his sense of time. After five minutes he lied against the door defeated. A piece of wood stood between him and his weeping mother.
"Call the police, son."
She finally spoke. When the police came they took down Jude's opponent with ease. Jude tried to run forward to his mother but he was not allowed to do so thanks to the police. Yet while physically Jude could not escape the barricade of police bodies, his eyes were able to go where he wanted to be. This was a place he quickly knew he should not have ventured to. This is a place he remains in till this day.
"I'm sorry, Jack, I'm so sorry."
______________________
"Where's the money, Jude?"
Jude stood at the corner of the dimly lit room. "Why does the entire house have to be this dark? Come on Cal, you're not in a movie. I don't like it, it has to go."
Calvin cracked his knuckles. How scary.
"I like dark places, J. Now answer my question."
"I never liked school. Too many questions. Not my, you know, cup of vodka." Jude noticed the cocaine cut and ready to take on the counter. "Do you mind, C?" He said playfully. Calvin shook his head and Jude took some lines.
"I'm beginning to think you do not take me seriously. Worst of all, us."
"No, no," He wiped his nose clean. "I take you guys seriously. Too seriously, you might say. I don't get much sleep because of it."
 Calvin gave him a curious look.
"I just need some more time, and more stuff to grind. If you know what I'm saying?"
"We do." Mickey finally appeared at the door. Her hair was short and brown and she had her nose pierced. Her arms were covered in tattoos and above her breasts she wore a badge of freedom.
"Hello to you too, Mickey. Always lovely to see yous."
She walked over and leaned on the desk. Jude could not take his eyes off her.
"I understand you live with a best friend quite capable of paying off your debts."
Oh God, not Salinger. Keep him out of this, Hill people. 
"My debts, Mickey. Not his. I think it's important to remember that."
She flipped her hair.
"All's the same between brothers, no?"
"Sometimes we do pee together. Saves time. Do you guys ever pee together?"
She wasn't amused. "We want our money. You've kept us waiting long enough."
"I know. I came here to tell you, I'm working on it." Sorta.
"And you hoped we'd give you something else, for free, no?" Calvin laughed.
"That might have been part of the plan. I hope this wasn't a waste of time. Addictions made me smarter, but I am not infallible, despite popular opinion."
Mickey opened the desk drawer.
"I think I know what you want." She threw a little bag at him. "You make me sad, Jude."
"I've been called Shakespearian in my youth."
He pocketed it. Calvin spoke this time. "You have two weeks, kid."
Jude nodded. I hate being called kid.
"Two weeks is just the right amount of time. Thank you, Cal."
He bowed and turned to walk away.
"You know, J, one day you're going to have to wake up."
Mickey said in a tone of sadness. He kept walking while he spoke.
"That's what I'm trying to do."
______________________
Jack held his son tightly that night. He held him as tightly as his wife Diane had held his other son earlier that day in her arms.
"Is James, okay?"
Jack could not find the words for a response. Part of him did not believe he was even trying. What could you tell a child about something like this? The world is cruel, and sometimes even adults wish they could simply close their eyes.
"Is Mom coming home?"
When Diane walked into the house she shut the door and fell against the side of the wall. She had been driving all night. Jack ran to her and helped her up. Jude was confused by all this. Ten year olds cannot put together these sorts of things as fast as a more aged human could. Still, he knew something was wrong. From that day on something was always wrong.
______________________

Jude and Tyrell exited the movie theater together.
"Next time can I choose the movie?"
Jude almost gasped.
"You have a probably with the classics? The 400 Blows is amazing. It's one of the defining films of the French New Wave movement."
Tyrell wasn't impressed. "Black and white French movies just aren't fun for me. It was alright."
"Yeah, well your idea of fun is lying in bed in your underwear watching Doctor Who."
"Hey, you like Doctor Who!" He socked his arm. "I just don't care for these classics of yours."
"Get some culture, bitch."
They got into the car.  "Radiohead?" Tyrell nodded.
"A whole lot of Radiohead never killed anyone."
They began the trek home to meet up with everyone else. Salinger was too busy writing earlier in the day to hangout with them and so they went to the movies together, even though all three of them had plans to do so. This bummed Jude, who thought Salinger was too caught up in his writing to hangout lately. Tyrell said to just let it go, his book will be done within the next year. A year was a long time. You could do a lot in a year. You could even lose your best friend.
"You good, man?"
The drive home from Los Angeles was long due to traffic and Jude hadn't said a word for most of it.
"I'm fine."
"Any particular reason you're just fine? I would have thought you'd be impossible to shut up right now." He smiled. Usually that was the case, so Jude understood he had given himself away without even thinking about it. Tyrell was one of his best friends, after all, so he knew he could not lie his way out of this.
"My mom's getting sick. Plus I'm having dreams again."
"Bout your brother?"
"Yeah. I can't shake it off."
Tyrell put his feet on the dashboard.
"Maybe you're not supposed to. Maybe it's time to face them."
"Who says I'm running?" He began to sink deeper into his mind. He began to think he should have avoided this conversation. "The way you speak of it sounds like you have some mileage. Come on, Jude, don't I know you better than that?" He nodded. After Salinger, Tyrell knew him better than anyone. If Tyrell sensed mileage it was with good reason.
"Maybe I'm not running away from my problems,"
He changed lanes.
"I don’t know, maybe I’m just waiting for later, you know, until I’m stronger."
Tyrell remained silent.
"It just seems like if I take them on now, I won’t win. I don’t have the strength in me to move that mountain, to part that sea. Give me some time, give me the chance to take a deep breath, let my mind wander, and enjoy life before I have to take on that burden."
They were now at a red light off their exit. 
"I promise you, I will. I will return to it and I will be stronger. You know what, I’ll be at my strongest. I’ll show you that the time was worth it. I’ll show you."
The light turned green.
"This is how I’ve survived, this is what has worked for me. Give me time, I’ll show you. I promise."
"I believe you. Just don't forget we're here to help you when you decide to go home."
"I never have."
_______________________________

Jude let her face go. She leaned against the wall.
"Do you want to fuck me?"
He smiled. He was used to this.
"Maybe. Go wait in the other room for me."
He went down stairs to get a drink while his stranger with an appetite waited upstairs. The party he was at was still going strong even at 3am.
"Holy shit, is that Jude?"
Jude turned around to find one of Salinger's best friends with a beer in hand.
"Present. Good to see you, Jacob. And who is this lovely lady?"
"What's up, man?" They shook hands. Jacob Tanner was one of Salinger's best friends. Jude actually likes Jacob, as opposed to many of Salinger's friends, Sufjan for example. Jude always told Salinger that he appreciates Jacob's candor and how chill he had always been when he was around.
     Jacob Tanner is someone Salinger could always rely on.When they first began pledging they hated each other's existence. It was only during the last week that they found they were wrong about each other. Salinger always said his favorite time to talk to his friends was at 4am. It is when you get the most honest version of that person. Even more than alcohol could give you. It was also then two people that had no reason to speak during that time actually confronted each other and became friends. Salinger said its his biggest regret from pledging. From much of what Salinger has said of him, Jude respects him greatly. Salinger considers him a best friend and brother.
"This is my girl Elena."
He remembers her. Another one of Salinger's friends. She is a beautiful girl with a brain, down to earth, and fun to hang with.
"The names Jude. I've heard much about you."
They shook hands as well. "Pleasure."
"Dude, funny seeing you here. I was going to see Salinger tomorrow. It's been awhile."
"Very nice. I'm sure he's missed you both."
He looked around.
"You guys enjoying the party?"
"Slightly," she said.
"We were just about to head out. Jad was supposed to be here but he bailed. " 
"I'm out of here, too."
"Do you need a ride?"
"No, that's fine, I'll walk. It was good seeing you, Jacob. Elena."
_________________________
Jacob was using Jude's phone.
"Hey Salinger, it's Jacob. I'm here with Jude at the park, the one Elena and I had a picnic at. Can you come get him? He won't get in my car. No, no worries, I already took Elena home. Just get here as quick as you can, bro."
He hung up. He looked up at the moon.
"You ever see the movie The Strangers?"
"I'd rather not talk about scary things right now. I'm pretty drunk and likely to cry if so."
Jude was on top of the jungle gym.
"Well, how do you think I feel about being out here at 4am? Scares the shit out of me."
"You could go home. I'll be totally fine."
"You're drunk."
"So."
"Something could happen to you."
"That's my problem."
"And mine. A brother of Salinger's is a brother of mine."
Jude didn't respond. It was something Salinger would say. Salinger picks well.
"He'll be here soon. Just relax."
"Easier said than done."
When Salinger arrived Jacob walked up to him and they hugged. Thinking they were at a distance that Jude couldn't hear, they spoke.
"I saw him walking home, stumbling, and then he ran into the park. He's drunk, man. Might be even worse than that. His nose is red."
"Thanks for taking care of him, bro. I'll handle it from here."
"I'll see you guys tomorrow. Take care of him."
"I will. I always do. Now go get some rest, ya lopp."
Before Jacob entered his car he stopped.
"Remember when you told me about that time you almost killed yourself?"
"I can't forget."
"Do you remember why you said you never could go through with it?"
Salinger took a deep breath, confusion on his tongue.
"I wasn't brave enough. Wasn't brave enough to kill myself, wasn't brave enough to live."
"Yeah, that was it."
"What does that have to do with this? Enjoy recounting my many failures?"
"He seems like he might be brave enough."
Salinger nodded.
"You still the regretting type?" Jacob.
"Yeah, are you?" Salinger.
"Yes. I'm glad we still agree on that."
"Like I said all those years ago that night we became friends, I've never been one terribly opposed to regret. On the contrary, I regret much of what I've done in life, and what I've allowed people to do to me. I discovered it makes me human."
"Yeah, it does. Anyways, it's definitely a conversation for another time. Goodnight, bro."
"Yeah, it is. Thanks again. Love you, bro."
"Love you, too. See you, tomorrow."
And then it was just Salinger and Jude. 
"Remember we used to play here when we were little?" Jude said as Salinger approached the Jungle gym.
"No."
"We used to surf down the slide, throw pebbles at each other, and touch the sky with our feet on the swings. Those were the days. Remember?"
"We didn't know each other as kids, so no, I can't remember all that."
Jude smiled.
"Well, why do I?"
Salinger laughed.
"Because Ju be making up memories."
Jude paused for a second.
"So I incepted myself, huh? Perfect."
"No."
"It all makes sense now. I always thought of myself as the DiCaprio type.  You can be Joseph."
Salinger's voice was now serious.
"Quit being stupid and come down from there."
"No! You come up here, officer."
"I want to go home, Jude. It's 5am. Quit being a dick."
Jude sat on the edge of the jungle gym.
"Can you at least make this a memory?"
Salinger climbed up the jungle gym.
"Tyrell told me you were hurting."
They were both now sitting on the jungle gym with their feet dangling. 
"Big mouth strikes again."
"Hey, he was only looking on for you. Come on, Jude, talk to me. I'm awake right now just for your wellbeing."
"I know, I know. It just aint easy. This past year has been tough."
He turned away. He knew what his life was, what it was becoming, and what the sum of it would all be. Caring didn't seem to be an option anymore, no not anymore, not in this weather. It wasn't that sun that burned up his days, even in the overwhelming California weather in August. It was the words Salinger and Tyrell spoke.
"Well, I have time. You're my brother."
He once learned that words were wind, but for the past year it seemed like a hurricane had blown through his life. So much wind, no rocks, nothing to hold onto. He just kept breathing. It felt nice, to breathe again, and with such force, he took it in, held it for a couple of seconds, and let it free.
"I don't ever want this to end."
He said, wishfully hoping it could all remain, that he could be happy. Life goes on, and so does happiness. He felt a little cheated by it, finding vacancy in his empty heart, filling it to the brim with joy, and then packing its bags for the next fool with a sad story to tell. He was a cheap whore, he thought, and cheap whores, his father once told him, well, they never find happiness. "It's the way God works. Damned the wicked, fruitful the righteous," he would say while washing dishes. His favorite time to give him advice he'd never take, he never needed.
"I want to know what's causing all this. You're on the edge, bro. All you've been doing lately is drinking and doing drugs."
"You'd be doing that too if you were me."
 The pain he'd repressed for so long was knocking on his door again. It had lost its key, but the hinges could not hold forever. Unlike death, the pain came crashing, and it did with thunderous claps. Pain had a way of finding itself in the wind spoken by most of the people he encountered. He wished, on the verge of praying, that for once it had a scent. A certain taste of chaos, if possible. It was hopeless, however, and he knew it.
"Tyrell thinks I should go home and see my family. I just, I don't know. It's all falling apart now, and more to handle doesn't seem like the most intelligent move I could make. I don't know what I'm doing." He said with an urgency. It hit Salinger's face quickly, but his reply came seconds later,
"Home."
Home, he reconsidered. Home was a word Jude was not familiar with. All his life he had a roof over his head, but he wasn't sure that's what home was. Home was an empty word, like family, until Salinger came along. Salinger sat before him and used this word so elegantly. If this was a younger Jude he wouldn't be sure if it was sincere or meant for a play of words because of the fact that he knew enough about Jude to choreograph what collection of words would gain the most ground. He wasn't a young Jude, but either way, it was working. The walls he built up for most of his entire life once again seemed to be failing him. They always did. Pain, mother misery, well they should have used this wall instead of trying to break down the door.
"I feel better. It's just that everything was falling apart. I got it now. Don't worry about me."
He lost. Jude smiled. Sometimes losing meant so much.
"We need a change of scenery. We should go on a road trip. Get the hell out of this town."
He hugged him.
"And another thing. The people you never have to second fucking guess, those are the ones you should hold close. The ones that are there for you when you need it, not just there cause they need it. The people that ask how you're doing, support your dreams, text you stupid shit you'd both laugh about, do not feel uncomfortable around your siblings because they're your family too, know when you're upset without saying it, are honest with you, stick up for you when you're not around to do it, and ask you, 'What are we doing this weekend? Tomorrow? Today?'"
He put his hand on his shoulder.
"Those are the people that love you. The ones that need you in their life as much as you need them. It's one thing to be loved, but it's a far greater thing to be needed. Blood may be thicker than water, but you need water, your friends that you chose to be family, to survive. So when you've found these people, hold them close, treat them well, and love them so deeply they'd never question you."
Jude looked up at him.
"Do you have those people?"
Salinger stood up.
"Yes, idiot! You, Tyrell, Caleb, Riley, Sufjan, Jacob, Kennedy, Randy, Jad, Renato! That's only naming my bests. I can go on. You guys mean the fucking world to me. The point, however, is you have those people, too. Me, Tyrell, Riley, even Jacob! You just need to face your demons and then stop trying to pull yourself down."
"I will. I'll do it. I already told big mouth Tyrell that I would."
"Well good, we've made progress."
Salinger got on top of the slide.
"You were saying something about making memories?"
Jude nodded.
"Well, lets get to it, brother."
He surfed down the slide and then looked up at Jude as he mounted himself on the slide.
"I really do wish we grew up together. All of us. Things would have been so much better."
"And easier."
"Yeah, that too."
Jude surfed down.
_____________________________
At 7am Jude entered his parents home. His mother sat at a chair near the window.
"Hey mom."
She didn't look at him. She just continued to stare out the window. Jude always wondered what she was staring it. She has been doing this since the day his brother died. He walked up to her and held her hand.
"Just wanted to check up on you and dad."
He kissed her on the cheek. Her hand gripped his.
"I love you, mom. I'm home."
__________________________________

Take a sad song and make it better...